I almost forget that today's the last day of me being 22. But I didn't forget that I have something to share here..
When I was a kid, I really want to grow older. I remember that I always want to be 13. But then 13 happened and it suck. So I thought I want to grow older and faster. I want to be 17, because here in my country, 17 means you're old enough to have an ID. So 17 came... and gone.
When I was 17, I was one of those smart-yet-not-boring kids at school. I played hookey (most of the time), but I still successfully keep my grades great, my days were amazing. The only thing bothers me was how to make my crush pay attention at me.
So I want to be 19. Because most of my favorite artists were 19. Because I think 19 means you're not really a teen anymore, you're just right in the middle of being an adult. You're almost there.
Unfortunately, I chose a darker path to celebrate my 19... and as I grow older, I didn't grow wiser.
I always love the idea of birthday... but I guess it was the day I hated my birthday.
I might looks fine and all smile, but deep down, I cursed that day.
Maybe that's why I start to make a birthday wishlist.
To try to forget my mistakes.
To ease my sadness away with things.
To cover my remorse with something temporary.
I always cry on my birthday.
Because I hated it.
I hated myself.
Almost three years has gone now..
One night last month, I've had a breakdown and felt sick with all this poignant self-loathing.
I want to feel the real happiness.
I want to be happy.
But how do I feel happy with and for myself if the only person who hate myself the most is me?
I need a help.
So I took a step forward and went for a counseling.
When I start telling my story and hear it all out loud with my own voice, I realized how devastated I am. It amazed me how I could still alive from everything I've been through. I was a shipwrecked. I can't stop crying for almost three hours.
My shrink shed some tears with me. She listen and pay attention to every detail of my life. And at the end of the session, she prayed for me and hugged me. And with that, I knew that I finally left the dark path behind me and will never came back.
It's not an easy decision to tell your story to someone who once a stranger. My shrink and I were friends now. She introduced me to a lot of nice and friendly people, who she believes will help me be in a right track. But I won't lie by telling you that I feel happy right afterward. There are times when I thought my shrink was so annoying, or that I don't wanna meet her again, heck, I even stopped going for a while. But, God, she was so patient, that when I finally showed up, she came to me and hugged me and we spent the whole day having lunch and chatting together. She didn't judge me. She didn't hate me. She didn't left me... like others would.
I am thankful that God gave me the time and opportunity to chose the right path. To think about it now, I am wonderstruck by how He work in a very mysterious and wonderful way. If He didn't put me here alone, right on time, perhaps I might not come clean yet.
On why years ago He let me take a dark path, I believe the answer is hidden somewhere and when the time is right, I'll find it on my journey that leads me to an understanding.
This is the closure.
I forgive you.
I forgive every single one of you.
And if I ever bring up your name again, trust me, it was only to share my stories. I will never hate you again. Because the last time I did, it destroyed me, not you. So why should I hate you again? I love myself more than ever now.
Thank you for the memorable years, God.
I think it's fair to say that this year, not only I grow older, I also grow wiser.
And these tears right now is not full of hatred.
Thank you for loving yourself, Ann.
Thank you for keeping your three promises up until now.
Thank you for finally be brave.
"Rain came pouring down
When I was drowning
that's when I could finally breathe
And that morning
Gone was any trace of you
I think I'm finally clean."
— Taylor Swift - Clean